Oh dear, how I’ve neglected this poor blog. Sometimes I forget that the purpose of blogging, really, is to blog. Somewhere to record my thoughts. I get caught up in the popularity contest–everything now seems like a popularity contest. It really makes you wonder whether that is the base desire of humanity.
Let me just catch up to speed with what’s going on in my life right now. I’m a sophomore, taking a lighter load that last year because after last semester, I definitely need to ease back into a groove. I’m hoping to graduate in three years, which kinda puts a huge pressure on my limited days. I don’t know, I’m looking forward for college to be over right now. I just want to move into the rest of my life. Is that weird?
I’m in this weird pocket of life where I feel like the world is leaving me behind.
I’ve been reading some articles lately to try to define what I’ve been feeling. Right now, it’s between introversion and depression. I do become tired of people very easily–it’s not that I hate people or talking or anything social. I actually enjoy being quite social and I do it very well and although I come away from it drained of all energy, I revel in it. It’s the putting myself in that situation that makes it hard. I always need time to recharge after a large social gathering and prefer quiet time to talk time. However, this all started after high school. After first semester of college, even. I found myself craving the connections with my closest friend from home. To me, my love for them has grown exponentially since this long distance separation. Hanging out with those friends takes no toll on my energy. Hanging out with them reenergizes me. They basically are me. They have grown invaluable and I can’t imagine life without them. But these friends at school, none of which I feel this connection with, are still an obligation to me.
It’s so much easier to let everything go in college. You’re the only one accountable for your life. People are fine without you. If you need it, you can make sure that no one knows you exist. But that’s not what I want. I want a distinct niche for me in this society. I want friends that feel like extensions of me.
But I know that they won’t stop being obligations until I put in the effort. This is a fucked up cycle, man.