Moments of Panic

welp, I think I’ve had my second panic attack at the most inconvenient time ever. It’s only been recently where I’ve been having this attacks and at first I really didn’t know what was happening to me.

The first time I got blindsided by it while studying in the library. All of a sudden I had a feeling of impending death–I felt like I was going to die within the next half hour. My vision blurred, my heart felt like a ticking time bomb, and I’m relatively sure I burst into a cold sweat–but I was on nervous system overload so I really can’t say for sure. It lasted for about 20 minutes and when it ended, I lay on the hard back of the chair, winded. All motivation gone.

I don’t want to make excuses for myself, especially when I’m unsure if they’re actual excuses or not, but I’m pretty sure that’s why I was so unsuccessful second semester of last year.

This time, it was during the first exam of the year. I sat down, willing myself to calm down–I’d studied, I felt fairly confident, and afterwards, I was going to reward myself with Panera and the first real sleep I would’ve had in 2 days. When my fingers touched the exam however, it was like my entire body rebelled against the idea, like it was allergic to exams. There was buzzing in my head. Halfway through the exam, I noticed that my entire arm had cramped up–I had been gripping my pen with a death-grip and my fingers were also numb. I couldn’t breathe, a vice was squeezing my diaphragm so hard.

After about an hour of this torture, I finished the exam and walked down the stairs (of course I chose to sit at the very top) to hand it in. As I walked up, I became aware of how tired I was, how shaky my entire body was and how close I was to either puking or passing out–or both. I made my way to the bathroom where I spent the next 10 minutes just breathing.

And then, I rewarded myself with Panera…

which was the biggest disappointment of my life. Panera, you have been letting me down lately! As I eagerly tore into the paper bag when I got home, to my horror, the asshole filling up my full-sized salad gave me maybe half a box of lettuce. Really?? I really paid $8 for this? You really think people can exist on such rabbit food?? Yes, I ordered a salad, but I didn’t ask for you to starve me. Good thing I ordered an extra baguette or… wait a minute, this is just a longer version of your usual baguette! Maybe 2 inches longer. You should be thankful I haven’t had much of an appetite lately or you would no longer have a face.

I sent them an angry email and they have yet to get back to me.

We will see though, we will see.


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