Subtitled, and Proud!

You know what irks me? When Netflix doesn’t have subtitles available for their videos. Yes, I know that the majority of your viewers are native-born English speakers without any hearing deficit whatsoever. I am one of them.

Let me put it in terms that people are more likely to understand. Because my friends sometimes still don’t and make fun of me for it on a fairly regular basis.

Subtitles are like… the little square cloth that your mom cut from your safety blanket to wean you from your dependence. Except my dependence was never weaned. In fact, my dependence has strengthened. They’re like addictive–drug-like, even! There’s absolutely no reason to be ashamed that you need/want subtitles.

Here are some reasons why you should convert:

1) When movie-watching with your best friends

“Wait, what? What did he just say?”
“Ionno, dude… anyways–”
Shhhut up!

… sound familiar? It does to me–happens every time we have a movie night. Our love of hearing ourselves talk is inversely related to the amount of movie we understand (what uppp, math!). We just love talking and laughing too much.

But… with the addition of subtitles, you no longer have to choose between your two loves! Multitasking. It’s the thing of the century, isn’t it? You can now watch without missing a crucial murder while nailing key points in a debate about which was a better show–Barney or The Big Comfy Couch.

This also goes for when you’re eating extremely crunchy food and therefore cannot hear over your loud crunchy chewing.

2) When you’re with someone you don’t really know or they’re one of the few people whom you can’t keep up a continuous conversation with for over 2 hours

Sometimes the people you’re watching movies with aren’t that interesting and there’s no way you can spend the next two hours together without an excuse to be awkwardly silent. The pauses in which you’re “watching the movie” can be moments in which you frantically search for another conversation topic. But I guess this kinda makes the same point as the first one….

3) A good conversation starter

For the above situations, after demanding that subtitles be put on, this could be a great conversation starter and/or something to bond over.

“You need subtitles?! I do too!”

… and that’s the end of that. Maybe throw in some backstory of how your subtitle-dependency started and that just opens the door to so many other possibilities.

4) For those accents that you just can’t understand

You know the ones I’m talking about. Movies nowadays are all about the accents and diversity, aren’t they? For example, Sweeney Todd? Holy shit. It took an entire 2 songs for me to actually make out a word of their Cockney accents. And even then, I mistook some words that made for very poor understanding of the plot… And my poor mother! Which leads me to the next point….

5) For people who have a looser grasp of the English language

Well, I guess this is actual reason for needing subtitles… But I’m keeping it on here because lists with more numbers are generally more legit.

6) For those damn mutterers

Really? Is it really the fashion now for men to talk quickly and mutter? This is what people consider suave? Men who have poorly developed speech patterns and low articulation. I don’t know about you, but I prefer men whom I can understand while not wearing a hearing aid.

An example, you say? I’m prepared for this. For starters, in 30 Rock, BOTH Jack Donaghy and Devon Banks frequently get into mutter wars to my great distress.

–and talk so quietly that you can only hear each other if standing that close. I assure you, I’m not that close to my tv.

Another one: Sherlock Holmes, from Sherlock Holmes. All that mad muttering and hushed whispers are a headache to decipher…

Well, see? Those are 6 pretty good reasons to put on the subtitles. No need to thank me. But if you want to (because, let’s face it, I pretty much revolutionized your viewing experience), leave a comment! :)

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