I received this letter in the mail today:
The Obese People of America Association, OPAA, is delighted to welcome you as a new member of the organization! We’ve noticed that you’ve been on and off about qualifying as a member in the last few years and we’re here to tell you that your effort has paid off. Although there have been many contenders this year, we’ve decided that you fit the bill to a tee.
Our association is composed of members who are falling apart at an inappropriate age due to various illnesses such as diabetes, bad joints, arthritis, heart disease, and many more. Your application immediately caught our attention as you are careening gleefully towards almost all of these illnesses with no signs of stopping or regressing. It is your characteristics that we look for in members and we know that you will bring more pride to our organization.
As a member, you are being informed that in order to remain a member, you must not change your current lifestyle habits unless the change is beneficial to our cause. You will be notified two weeks before you are nearing expulsion, which is plenty of time to get back on track. We only want what is best for you.
Attached with this letter is a seatbelt extension and stretchy pants, which you will be required to bring everywhere with you.
Please attend the formal induction June 22nd, 2012 at the nearest McDonalds. From there, we will host a progressive dinner celebrating you as a new member.
Welcome to the association!
The Obese People of America Association