Just so you know, the age limit to see a pediatrician is 18

One day after coming home for break, I told Mom I needed to see a doctor because of some mysterious rib pain (which still isn’t gone, by the way). She gave me a number and told me to schedule my own appointment.

Lady: Hi, how can I help you?
Me: Hi, I’d like to schedule an appointment for mysterious, annoying rib pain? (This is always said like a question for some reason)
Lady: Is this for you or for your child? (really, this should’ve been my first clue about this particular number)
Me: Me….
Lady: Ok! Can I have your name and date of birth?
Me: Michelle… 1991.
Lady: Oh… [extremely awkward pause as she tries to figure how to word it] We usually only accept patients ages 0-18… Do you still want to make an appointment…?
Me: Um… I’ll call you back.

I bet she and her fellow secretaries all had a good laugh that day. “You’ll never believe what just happened… a 21 year old just tried to make an appointment with a pediatrician!”

But I also had some laughs… and some revelations.

First of all, did I not go to the doctor’s for 3 years?? Not even a check up? How else was I (mostly my mom, really) so oblivious to this?? I guess I’m the poster child of health then. Go me. On another note, however, if I die sometime this year, we’ll all know it was because of a lack of yearly checkups.

Or death by chocolate. Or overeating. I guess my death will actually be more of a mystery. Should I be leading a healthier lifestyle?

Say What? Protein Powders?

No. No. No. No. No protein powders.

At least, that’s what I thought before this week. For the past two months, I’ve been on a lifestyle changing journey. Ultimately, I’ve been trying to shape myself and my life to reflect my passions and ideal life more. A part of that is to lose all the weight I’ve gained in college. And so far, it’s been a success. Before spring break (we don’t speak of what’s occurred during spring break), I was nearing the 10-pound mark.

However, upon coming home for spring break—whether this is coincidence or not—I suddenly experienced incredible fatigue. Mostly leg fatigue, since I’ve become a runner. Not even five minutes in and I’d be tired. My legs felt like someone came during the night and surgically replaced my bones with LEAD. If that’s the case, I’m blaming the protein powder junkies. They knew I was going to write an article about this and influence millions of readers (canyouhearthesarcasminmyvoicerightnow). I’m calling it right now.

But seriously, what the fuck, body? You’re a roll, you’re on a roll! You’re losing weight, eating healthy. Are you trying to sabotage me??

Just so you’re up to date, my workout regime was: all-body weights 3X a week for 30 minutes, 25-30 minutes of cardio (usually running).

Thankfully, I was talking about this phenomenon to my uncle, otherwise I would’ve chalked that up the “Michelle is not an athlete” column and called it quits!

He, and a bunch of savvy internet articles, informed me I was not getting enough protein. Now, I had been vegetarian for three years and had just started eating meat again this past summer. I had never even encountered this level of fatigue before. Not that I’m advocating against vegetarianism. Groove on, yo. I’m just saying that for those of us that are building lean (or bulky) muscle, more protein is definitely necessary.

Charlotte at Wild Things RUN Free says that some of the signs of not getting enough protein include: headaches and fatigue and loss of energy. Oh man… I’ve been wondering why I was getting more headaches lately—nothing to do with hangovers, of course….

So, now what? Don’t only bodybuilders drink protein shakes? Am I going to be one of those people shaking those bottle shakers like bodybuilding maracas? Am I buying into the industry that sells me completely useless shit?

Also, see this picture on the right here? I got it from a site called PUMPJUNKIES. PUMPJUNKIES. If that’s not concerning I don’t know what is. AM I GOING TO BE A PUMPJUNKIE??

Well, I like to conduct A SHIT TON OF RESEARCH before I part with any money, my dear little friends. First of all, if you’re a woman and you don’t want to build up bulk, this will do nothing. Like people have said time and time again, women do not build up bulk. We all invalidate this by pointing to any women bodybuilder, so the key word is “easily.” We do not bulk up easily. We build lean muscle first, which is definitely what you want so that you can spike your metabolism.

Now, I had to tackle WHAT kind of protein powder to get. Good thing I get my rocks off learning pointless new things. And I’ll give a quick rundown.

Two categories: animal-based, vegetable-based

Within animal based: milk protein derivatives, whey (most popular), goat’s milk, egg white.

Within vegetable based: soy, rice, pea and hemp proteins.

If you’re also thinking of protein powders, choose your poison above and then google best brand of that category.

Remember, not everyone needs protein powders. According to WebMD:

• When you’re growing
• Starting a program
• Amping up workouts
• Recovering from injury
• Going vegan

Since I was only some of one of the above, we have to remember that these cases are individual. Apparently, my body just needs more protein than others.

On a final note, when I was researching, this popped up:

YOUR?? People. Are we all skipping 2nd grade now? Or are the people who are googling this younger than 2nd grade?? I don’t know if I want to be in a world where almost-2nd-graders are trying to bulk up.

What’s your stance on protein powders? If you do take protein supplements, how have they changed your workouts? 

Have You Ever Been So Fucking Happy?

Have you ever been so fucking happy that even the Google image search for “happiness” can’t even express how happy you are? This is the closest picture that I could find that describes me right now: like this, but more …

The Never-Ending Stomach-Boob War

We all fight in this war every day. It’s a daily battle throughout your life that never ends.

For some of us, we’ve given up; for others, we’ve kept on fighting. Sometimes, the universe is in the favor of one individual, whereas sometimes the universe is rooting against you.

I’m talking about the boob-stomach ratio, of course.

Hint: don’t ever google image search “moobs”
Also: he’s currently losing the stomach-boob war… and maybe the war of life.

We’ve all been there; we’ve all suffered. No words can describe the unfortunate moment when you look down and realize that you no longer look like a female, but a large, portly man with moobs.

Basic information about the opponent: 

Effective areas of attack: diet and exercise

Your weapons: calorie counting, treadmill, running shoes, gym membership, club memberships, willpower.

Your weaknesses: delicious, sweet or greasy food; food advertisements; holidays; drinking; new restaurants; buffets; boredom; having food in your home; the fact that you miss chewing; taste; needing food while watching movies… etc.

As an Asian, I’m especially sensitive to the stomach-boob war, since I have almost nothing to begin with. This problem may not even exist for others.